Entry Two

Yesterday I didn't write. It was an OK day. I went to Green Oaks and met a guy named Frank. He was really cool. He has serious anxiety around others. I don't know how long he will be in the program, I hope he gets better. I like G.O. now and am almost afraid of getting out. I like it a lot and don't know what I'll do once I'm not there. I have pretty much decided to get a new job, I hate Sitel. It's so boring. I want to do something more interactive. Yesterday I also went to a CoDA meeting. That was not very good. Just a bunch of whining. I will try a different session and see if I like that, if not, Im done with it. I had dinner with Ethan and Elliott, that was fun to see Elliott. I told him what was going on with me, and we talked about Angela being pregnant.
Today I didn't go to G.O., I went to see Janice. I told her all the mess in my life, and she listened openly. I told her about my parents, my molestation, rape, suicidal thoughts, my low self esteem, my affair, Victor and I fighting. My depression is bad right now and I don't know how to change that. I told her that I am going to try to, "Get up and do IT", "make a new social network", and "have a positive attitude". She told me to start with one thing. I told her I would clean the kitchen every day. Now Im starting to think I should have said walk the dogs. I guess I'll do both. It's just so hard to get myself motivated to do anything at all, even walking the dogs and I feel so terrible about that. I feel so much guilt from this depression because I think I don't have the right to have it. I feel so blessed and greedy for having this sadness. I don't know how to get out of it.
I've been feeling better during G.O. but when I get home I'm still feeling bad. I'll have to tell Dr. Elliston about that. I also may want to find another therapist besides Janice, because I won't get in to see her for a MONTH. That's ridiculous. July 12 at 1pm.
So, I slept until 11, then went to see Janice. When I got home, I went back to sleep until 430. Then Ethan and I had lunch at McDs. Then we talked for a bit, then I took him to work. After that I went to Ross and looked around, then I went to Sprouts. I got my favorite cereal and applesauce there. And Rice Dream. After that I went to BB&B and returned some things, but then I bought some things too. I got a neck wrap, a super absorbant towel for my hair, a Yankee Candle and another pair of my favorite socks. I love them, I got them in white. After that I came home and tried to call Victor a lot. I called my mom and talked to her a bit. I played Final Fantasy a bit which I find boring now. Then I went to Outback with the supervisors. While I was at Outback I was texting Angela back and forth. When I told her I had to go (I was trying to visit with others) she got defensive and asked if I was mad at her. I told her no, I was eating. Then she said she'd pray for me. That was nice of her, but she makes me so irritated! I still can't tell if we are having that party or not... she keeps changing her mind. Who knows. I got to get to bed cuz I have G.O. tomorrow.

SMILE: My favorite part of the day was when I had dinner with the superviors and I told Cat my song lyric, "Don't just stand there and make me love you!" That was funny!
FROWN: I was depressed today most of the day, I guess I felt the worst between going to Bed Bath & Beyond and going to Outback. I was lonely and bored.