Sunday was OK. I went to church by myself and then to lunch with Heather, Jason, Jennifer and Frank. That afternoon I did take a nap. We were supposed to go see The Happening, but Ethan couldnt wake up. Later we went to some stores and then to Jeannie and Hiram's to see their missionary friend.
Monday I went to group and Dr Elliston put me on some new medication. Then we went to the zoo. That was fun. For dinner we had mint.
Tuesday I stayed home from group and did some errands. I slept late, till 11. We went to see The Happening it was OK. Later that night, Ethan went to market research, and I went to some stores. I felt pretty good that day.
Today I went to group, then I went to the doctor. I asked about going to the gynecologist and about my back. He gave me a reference for a back doctor to do therapy and told me to have Ethan check his sperm before I go to a gyno. After that I came home and played online, then Ethan got up and we had ChickFilA. Then I took him to work and then went to Irving to do some shopping. I ran into Shaleta! That was nice. Later I had dinner with the superviors at Razoos.
I feel like Im getting better. Today I never really felt down. I hope my new medicine is working!!!
SMILE: watching a boxing match where a boxers mom came on the stage and hit his opponent with a shoe.
FROWN: confrontations during group (involving Jaini, I dont like her)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Today I went to GO. Not many people there. Frank was there, he's really opening up to me. He's really down, and I feel bad for him. I spoke in group today, and I cried. I feel guilty for having depression. I did enjoy all the sessions today. Good stuff.
After GO I went home and took a nap. After I took E to work, I went to Torrid and bought a new shirt. Then I came home and played FFX. After that I had Red Lobster with the sups. I feel sick, I think I'm allergic to shell fish. Im not in a great mood today.
SMILE: Having dinner with the sups.
FROWN: Playing video games, wasn't in the mood.
After GO I went home and took a nap. After I took E to work, I went to Torrid and bought a new shirt. Then I came home and played FFX. After that I had Red Lobster with the sups. I feel sick, I think I'm allergic to shell fish. Im not in a great mood today.
SMILE: Having dinner with the sups.
FROWN: Playing video games, wasn't in the mood.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Entry Two
Yesterday I didn't write. It was an OK day. I went to Green Oaks and met a guy named Frank. He was really cool. He has serious anxiety around others. I don't know how long he will be in the program, I hope he gets better. I like G.O. now and am almost afraid of getting out. I like it a lot and don't know what I'll do once I'm not there. I have pretty much decided to get a new job, I hate Sitel. It's so boring. I want to do something more interactive. Yesterday I also went to a CoDA meeting. That was not very good. Just a bunch of whining. I will try a different session and see if I like that, if not, Im done with it. I had dinner with Ethan and Elliott, that was fun to see Elliott. I told him what was going on with me, and we talked about Angela being pregnant.
Today I didn't go to G.O., I went to see Janice. I told her all the mess in my life, and she listened openly. I told her about my parents, my molestation, rape, suicidal thoughts, my low self esteem, my affair, Victor and I fighting. My depression is bad right now and I don't know how to change that. I told her that I am going to try to, "Get up and do IT", "make a new social network", and "have a positive attitude". She told me to start with one thing. I told her I would clean the kitchen every day. Now Im starting to think I should have said walk the dogs. I guess I'll do both. It's just so hard to get myself motivated to do anything at all, even walking the dogs and I feel so terrible about that. I feel so much guilt from this depression because I think I don't have the right to have it. I feel so blessed and greedy for having this sadness. I don't know how to get out of it.
I've been feeling better during G.O. but when I get home I'm still feeling bad. I'll have to tell Dr. Elliston about that. I also may want to find another therapist besides Janice, because I won't get in to see her for a MONTH. That's ridiculous. July 12 at 1pm.
So, I slept until 11, then went to see Janice. When I got home, I went back to sleep until 430. Then Ethan and I had lunch at McDs. Then we talked for a bit, then I took him to work. After that I went to Ross and looked around, then I went to Sprouts. I got my favorite cereal and applesauce there. And Rice Dream. After that I went to BB&B and returned some things, but then I bought some things too. I got a neck wrap, a super absorbant towel for my hair, a Yankee Candle and another pair of my favorite socks. I love them, I got them in white. After that I came home and tried to call Victor a lot. I called my mom and talked to her a bit. I played Final Fantasy a bit which I find boring now. Then I went to Outback with the supervisors. While I was at Outback I was texting Angela back and forth. When I told her I had to go (I was trying to visit with others) she got defensive and asked if I was mad at her. I told her no, I was eating. Then she said she'd pray for me. That was nice of her, but she makes me so irritated! I still can't tell if we are having that party or not... she keeps changing her mind. Who knows. I got to get to bed cuz I have G.O. tomorrow.
SMILE: My favorite part of the day was when I had dinner with the superviors and I told Cat my song lyric, "Don't just stand there and make me love you!" That was funny!
FROWN: I was depressed today most of the day, I guess I felt the worst between going to Bed Bath & Beyond and going to Outback. I was lonely and bored.
Today I didn't go to G.O., I went to see Janice. I told her all the mess in my life, and she listened openly. I told her about my parents, my molestation, rape, suicidal thoughts, my low self esteem, my affair, Victor and I fighting. My depression is bad right now and I don't know how to change that. I told her that I am going to try to, "Get up and do IT", "make a new social network", and "have a positive attitude". She told me to start with one thing. I told her I would clean the kitchen every day. Now Im starting to think I should have said walk the dogs. I guess I'll do both. It's just so hard to get myself motivated to do anything at all, even walking the dogs and I feel so terrible about that. I feel so much guilt from this depression because I think I don't have the right to have it. I feel so blessed and greedy for having this sadness. I don't know how to get out of it.
I've been feeling better during G.O. but when I get home I'm still feeling bad. I'll have to tell Dr. Elliston about that. I also may want to find another therapist besides Janice, because I won't get in to see her for a MONTH. That's ridiculous. July 12 at 1pm.
So, I slept until 11, then went to see Janice. When I got home, I went back to sleep until 430. Then Ethan and I had lunch at McDs. Then we talked for a bit, then I took him to work. After that I went to Ross and looked around, then I went to Sprouts. I got my favorite cereal and applesauce there. And Rice Dream. After that I went to BB&B and returned some things, but then I bought some things too. I got a neck wrap, a super absorbant towel for my hair, a Yankee Candle and another pair of my favorite socks. I love them, I got them in white. After that I came home and tried to call Victor a lot. I called my mom and talked to her a bit. I played Final Fantasy a bit which I find boring now. Then I went to Outback with the supervisors. While I was at Outback I was texting Angela back and forth. When I told her I had to go (I was trying to visit with others) she got defensive and asked if I was mad at her. I told her no, I was eating. Then she said she'd pray for me. That was nice of her, but she makes me so irritated! I still can't tell if we are having that party or not... she keeps changing her mind. Who knows. I got to get to bed cuz I have G.O. tomorrow.
SMILE: My favorite part of the day was when I had dinner with the superviors and I told Cat my song lyric, "Don't just stand there and make me love you!" That was funny!
FROWN: I was depressed today most of the day, I guess I felt the worst between going to Bed Bath & Beyond and going to Outback. I was lonely and bored.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Day One of IOP
Today was my first day at Green Oaks Intensive Outpatient Program. It was a good day, one of the better days I've had in awhile, honestly. I got up this morning at 8, but didn't want to. I peed the the pups and ate some crackers then headed to the hospital. I waited a long time to be seen, but around 10 they took me in. I got signed in and then I went to a session.
This one was weird, people were talking about some drama that had happened when I wasn't there. Then we had lunch, then a game. Then we had a last session. Here we were told to start a journal and write whatever. What happened today, how we feel about things. We will do better as we do it longer. I wanted to start a new blog so that no one could read it! This is to stay personal so I can write about how crazy I am without losing my cool. ha ha... that's kind of what todays session was about, wearing masks. I guess I feel like I need to look cool or eclectic because I don't feel I'll ever be sexy. This look seems to get positive reactions from people. So, I stick with it. But, I'd love to be sexy, that to me seems impossible though. I hope that this program will give me some more self confidence, and new friends. I got new pills today too, I hope those work ok for me. One thing I like about this program is that i get to see my Dr everyday. I think that will help a lot.
After I got out of the hospital I came home and talked to Ethan a bit. He got up early to see me. We just layed in bed and he did fall back asleep, I took a small nap too. At 4 we got up and went to Taco Bell, then to pick up my medicine at CVS. They charged me the wrong amount of money at first, so we had to wait for them to fix it. After that Ethan and I went home and got cleaned up. Then I took him to work then I went to Johnny's art show at the W downtown.
I saw a bunch of people I know there, Nina, Stephanie, Catherine, Johnny, Dan, and Jerry. I talked to everyone, that was fun. I fell in love with theurbanfabric.com that guy was amazing. I liked his work better than Johnny's, actually. After I left, I came home and took Berg out and let Penny run around. I watched some tv, and then came and got on the computer. Then I went to Razoo's with Cat, Thuan and Ethan. That was fun, we all got burgers.
Tomorrow I need to call the CoDA people, call about my apt with Janice, and get their website again so I can fax those papers. Friday I will miss IOP and go see Janice and get my allergy shot too. My mom still has my wallet, I hope that doesn't screw up my session with Janice.
This one was weird, people were talking about some drama that had happened when I wasn't there. Then we had lunch, then a game. Then we had a last session. Here we were told to start a journal and write whatever. What happened today, how we feel about things. We will do better as we do it longer. I wanted to start a new blog so that no one could read it! This is to stay personal so I can write about how crazy I am without losing my cool. ha ha... that's kind of what todays session was about, wearing masks. I guess I feel like I need to look cool or eclectic because I don't feel I'll ever be sexy. This look seems to get positive reactions from people. So, I stick with it. But, I'd love to be sexy, that to me seems impossible though. I hope that this program will give me some more self confidence, and new friends. I got new pills today too, I hope those work ok for me. One thing I like about this program is that i get to see my Dr everyday. I think that will help a lot.
After I got out of the hospital I came home and talked to Ethan a bit. He got up early to see me. We just layed in bed and he did fall back asleep, I took a small nap too. At 4 we got up and went to Taco Bell, then to pick up my medicine at CVS. They charged me the wrong amount of money at first, so we had to wait for them to fix it. After that Ethan and I went home and got cleaned up. Then I took him to work then I went to Johnny's art show at the W downtown.
I saw a bunch of people I know there, Nina, Stephanie, Catherine, Johnny, Dan, and Jerry. I talked to everyone, that was fun. I fell in love with theurbanfabric.com that guy was amazing. I liked his work better than Johnny's, actually. After I left, I came home and took Berg out and let Penny run around. I watched some tv, and then came and got on the computer. Then I went to Razoo's with Cat, Thuan and Ethan. That was fun, we all got burgers.
Tomorrow I need to call the CoDA people, call about my apt with Janice, and get their website again so I can fax those papers. Friday I will miss IOP and go see Janice and get my allergy shot too. My mom still has my wallet, I hope that doesn't screw up my session with Janice.
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